


ten

by bluhen



Category: Elsword (Video Game)
Genre: (I guess?) - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but no actual depiction of it or anything, references to past self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 01:10:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18297338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluhen/pseuds/bluhen
Summary: He healed. They did not. It haunted him.(of scars and moving on)





	ten

**Author's Note:**

> like mentioned in the tags this fic focuses a lot on past self-harm... it doesn't go into detail on it nor depict it in any way other than referencing that it happened, and focuses mostly on the scars left by it. please be careful if this might be triggering to you...!

Ciel still felt ashamed. After all these years, he still felt ashamed.

He knew that he shouldn't. He knew that his scars meant nothing about him, that he was happy now, and they wouldn't change that. But he had to be honest with himselfー

He healed. They did not. It haunted him.

They weren't like the ones on his chest, reminders of how he's grown and is more comfortable with himself now. (although, he thinks, they should be, and he's ashamed that they aren't.) They feel instead like reminders of how weak he wasーof how he sometimes still is. Of course, now, Lu and Raven would never let him even think about doing such things.

Though, Lu knows. She knew everything. He had once offered up a memory to her at her behestーone of trembling hands and a too-sharp knifeーand had vowed the second she started crying to never burden her with this problem again, even if she asked.

This meant, however, that he kept it all inside. That he told no one about how his scars made him feel, about how in dark nights he felt the urge to re-open them.

So, still, Ciel wears long pants, and never lets anyone see him undressed without them. He bathes alone or making sure to keep his legs out of sight, he gets dressed quickly afterwards. He takes extra care to keep them secret. He doesn't let anyone see. Doesn't let anyone know. 

That is, until one night, when Raven kisses his stomach and moves to touch his thighs. Ciel panics. He’d relaxed under Raven’s kisses for the past who-knows-how-long, as he always did. This wasn't bad, the opposite, but it meant that he forgot. He forgot. He forgot. 

He panics. He jolts upright and almost frantically crawls out from under Raven to sit bolt upright at the head of the bed. It was the first time they'd ever gotten this far, and Ciel had gone and ruined it. He was starting to feel sick.

Raven looks surprised, but more worried than anything. “What's wrong? Did I go too far?” he asks, voice gentle and almost pleading.

Ciel swallows. “No. No, it's okay. Just…” Oh, he didn't want to lie to Raven. He would rather die. But at the same time, he didn't want Raven to knowーwas terrified of him knowing, really. 

“...Honey?” 

Raven’s soft tone and the sweet pet name break Ciel. “I'm sorry.”

“What? What is there to be sorry for? Don't be,” Raven soothes, taking Ciel into his embrace. Ciel feels pathetic, simply curling up in his hold instead of acting like an adult and just telling him what was wrong.

Still, this was so nice that he decided he would think about that later. He burrows into Raven’s warmth as if it would protect him.

“I'm sorry,” he mutters again, and Raven kisses the top of his head.

“Ciel, please tell me what's wrong.” He says. Ciel feels like he could cry.

“...If you don't… want me to touch you, that's alright, Ciel. You can tell me if you're uncomfortableー” 

Ciel almost snorts, despite the atmosphere being entirely inappropriate for laughter. “No… That's not it. It's not… It's not intimacy I'm afraid of.” He admits.

“You're afraid…?” 

“Not of you,” Ciel quickly amends. He had to be honest. He had to. “I'm… more afraid of you seeing me.”

“Seeing you?”

“Seeing… parts of me. Parts of me that I myself don't like seeing.” He sighs. “But you're going to see eventually, and it's not a secret I should keep from you.” His words are firm, but his voice is anything but. Quiet and shaky, like he hadn't spoken in weeks. He stares hard at his feet, the hem of his pants, the bedsheets. Anywhere but Raven. 

“Ciel…” Raven practically whispers. Ciel sits up against Raven’s chest and tries to relax. 

He rolls up the hem of his pants, stopping only when they show his thighs entirely. It would be the first time Raven's seen them. The first time he's willingly shown them to anyone but Lu. 

He doesn't see Raven’s face, but he feels his soft sigh in his chest. The scars were still there. Of course they were, it wasn't like they'd go away. No matter how hard a tiny part of Ciel hoped they'd magically vanish one day.

“...This is what you were afraid of me seeing?”

“You think it's silly.”

“No. Of course not. I'd be a hypocrite if I did, anyway.” 

Ciel leans into Raven, lets himself focus on his heartbeat, syncing their breaths. He doesn't want to look at these ugly scars, anyway. 

“It's just that…” Oh, god.

“I can't believe you really think none of mine are self-inflicted.” 

“Huh?” Ciel squeezes Raven’s hand in his own. What was he… 

“My scars. I've told you about how I… tried to off myself so many times before, and you really think I would ever think ill of you for scars?” He doesn't sound hurt or offended, rather, he sounds pitying. Ciel’s heart twists. He doesn't know if he likes that fact.

“I… you know that it's irrational.”

“Of course I do.”

“...I'm sorry.”

“There's nothing to be sorry for.” comforts Raven, and he lightly grazes his fingers over Ciel’s thigh. Ciel, though hesitantly, gives him a small nod letting him know it's okay. 

As Raven traces the scars, his skin, he realizes, it doesn't hurt anymore. They don't hurt anymore. They can't hurt  _ him _ anymore. 

“I'm so sorry.” he says. Raven shushes him.

“No, I really am. I should've trusted you more.”

“You and I both know our brains can be unreliable.”

“Yes, but…”

“No buts. I love you, Ciel.” he says as firmly as possible. Irrefutable, unmoving. 

Ciel relents. “...I love you too, Raven.” Raven punctuates it with a kiss to his forehead. Ciel can’t help his smile.

“You’ve improved so much. I’m so proud of you. Do you know that?”

Raven blinks, confused. “Where did this come from?”

Ciel’s smile grows. “A year ago you wouldn’t have been able to tell me that.” 

“...Hush.” Raven’s tone has no sting whatsoever in it, however, and he leans into Ciel for a kiss anyway. Ciel’s fairly certain he can catch a smile on his face. He lets him come close again to dapple kisses across his face, down his neck, letting him lace their fingers together oh-so-softly. He can feel his heartbeat thrumming against his chest. Being so close to him like thisーit’s not something he ever would’ve dreamed of being possible for him. Someone like him… He had thought he wasn’t deserving of such love.

Now, however, he can see more clearly. The delicate way Raven treats him, the fact he loves him despiteーrather,  _ for, _ along everythingーthe scars that he hated so much, that were painful reminders of everything he’d done and been through, all of it served as a reminder that his past didn’t shape him. Only he could.

...Goodness, he really is a sap.

It doesn’t take long before Raven is above him again, with Ciel’s hands gliding over his cheeks. He wonders if Raven can tell how lovingly he looks up at him. 

“Are you alright now?” Raven asks. Ciel laughs, breathy and short.

“Yeah. ...Yeah, I’m fine.” He reassures him before pulling him into a deeper kiss. When they break apart, Ciel’s hands have slid down to rest over Raven’s heart. He’s just as nervous as Ciel. (how charming…) “If you were wanting to get back to what we were doing…?”

Raven doesn’t answer, instead just blushing lightly and nuzzling his head into Ciel’s neck. (or perhaps he does, if the soft kiss he plants there counts.) 

Ciel grins. He’ll take that as a yes.


End file.
